Keto. Juice cleansing. Intermittent fasting. All these health fads pale(o) in comparison to this revolutionary new weight loss strategy I've discovered. I call it:
The "Having Teeth So Flawed The Dentist Recommends Orthodontic Intervention" Diet. Doesn't roll off the tongue? That's fine by me; a little verbosity never hurt anyone*.
* Under no circumstances do I permit you to fact check this in any capacity whatsoever. I assume no legal responsibility for any liability or damages that occur as a result of this breach of trust. I beseech thee not to seek even one singular, verifiable, and objective instance of harm that has come from reckless wordiness.
To best protect myself from litigation, I will refer to the diet from this point onward as "The Ortho Diet".
All diets boil down to burning more calories than the number of calories consumed. Thanks to this new diet, I was easily altering my eating habits to guarantee that I was drastically reducing the amount of calories I was eating every day.
Getting Started: A Step-By-Step Tutorial Anyone Can Follow Closely and Relate To
AKA: Going To An Orthodontist For The First Time Ever And Also You're Already An Adult
Firstly, go see your dentist. Make sure you really brush and floss with extra care before you see them to really try and avoid any accusations of poor dental hygiene. No matter how hard you end up trying, there is always more you could have done. The dentist will never be satisfied. They will dig a little deeper, poke and prod a little harder. The dentist will say you have irritated gums because they will have just given you irritated gums. Their rule is law. And that law is pain, of both the physical and mental variety**.
Ignore the futility of trying and press on.
** Full disclosure, I love my dentist. She is very nice to me. I am not under any physical duress.
Have your dentist point out that your teeth are ever so slightly maligned, and assure you that it's no big deal for now. Have them plant a seed of doubt by briefly mentioning how inconvenient life will be if this misalignment were to persist a decade from now. Get a referral for an orthodontist and get their information just in case you want to get a consultation about next steps.
Optionally, have your dentist tell you that the orthodontist they referred you to is normally a pediatric orthodontist but they take adults too. As you leave the office, have the dentist's receptionist also give you a heads up that while the orthodontist mainly specializes in serving children, they also work on adult teeth as well.
Wait about 6 months to book the consultation. Crucially, the procrastination will really make you feel like your teeth are not set right in your mouth. Really let that seed of doubt bloom into its own tree of strife. When you call the orthodontist's office, be sure to hear additional reassurance from their receptionist that although they mostly work with kids, they service adults as well and that you've called the right place. Think nothing of how many times you've heard that in some form up until now. Don't exhaust the thesaurus.
Go to the orthodontist's office. See that the waiting room is designed to placate children as they wait for their appointment. Sit down in the waiting area and place your feet in the designated floor cutout in the shape of a pair of child-size shoes. Think about how you are older than the combined ages of all the other patients in the waiting area.
Ignore the creeping sense of mortality and press on.
[Editor's Note: I wanted to put a picture here but then I remembered that while I would have wanted to get a picture of the waiting room with the floor cutouts of child-size shoes to put your feet on, I didn't take any because that would not be normal child-less adult human behavior. Enjoy this artist's depiction of what it would be like to take such a picture.]
Go in to see the orthodontist. Have them take pictures of your smile with an uncomfortably high definition camera, blast X-rays into your face, and finally take a digital scan of your mouth before sitting you down in their office. Watch them play with the 3D model of your mouth, jiggling teeth around until they look straightened out.
Sign an agreement for a treatment of choice to get your teeth to look like the post-jiggling simulated model. Not to break the perspective continuity by injecting explicitly personal experience from my point-of-view, but I went with Invisalign because the idea of being able to pop out the aligner trays sounded particularly appealing, and because braces would require me to visit the ortho more often to tighten and generally do more maintenance. Do your research ahead of the appointment to save some time and reduce decision-making anxiety when actually at the orthodontist.
Fast forward about a month to your next appointment to complete the onboarding process. If using Invisalign, naively think that you're just going to be handed your aligner trays and be on your merry way. Instead, spend an hour having appendages of hardened goo installed on key spots on your teeth to assist with applying the necessary pressure to shift them around. I'm sure the first time setup for braces will take equally long.
Ignore both the feeling that this process is more full-on than you expected as well as the physical sensation of your new internal appendages digging into your flesh and press on.
With your new cybernetic implants installed in your mouth, it’s time to actually start losing some weight.
END OF PART ONE